just come out here and I will go home with you...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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