She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
