halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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