If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
