i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
