He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
