I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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