There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
