they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
