worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
