Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
