Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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