worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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