Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
