During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
