Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
