I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The struggles of a small town man whore
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
