My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize