I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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