ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
