$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
