Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
