that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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