I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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