Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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