what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
