i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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