I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize