This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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