FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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