Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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