Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
