the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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