is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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