My room smells like vodka and shame
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
