I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
