I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
