if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
