Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
