I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
