I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Your face is a jimmy john
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
