I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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