awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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