My sheets look like a crime scene.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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