Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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