Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
