I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
