I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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