we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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