Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
