bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
