Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
