the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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