My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
