the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
