when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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