I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
