I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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